This is the home of "ASK RUDY", an advice column for our fans who often time have nowhere to turn to, no one to ask for help with that "embarrasing problem". Well, fear not. RUDY is here to help. Our completely untrained bandmembers will give you the lowdown on your situation, and hopefully help you off in the right direction, while remaining totally and wholly unresponsible for your consequential actions. We like to think of it as "advice". You might think of it as "loonytalk". So, email us with your questions HERE. We can't answer them all, but will do our best to make the universe just a little more confusing than it is already.

ASK RUDY:

Jan 11: Dear RUDY: I have this problem where I can't stop jerking off. Night and day, all hours, it's really getting to be a problem. I was recently caught doing it in the women's room at a Howard Johnsons and it got me thinking: do you guys prefer Corn Toasties or Blueberry Toasties? Man I love those fuckin' things! They taste especially great right after I masturbate. Sometimes I use mustard as a lubricant and then I "mustardbate" which I think is a brand new term. Anyhow, let me know what your favorite Toastie flavor is. Thanks a load~ SIGNED: Lewis G. Strokenstein

RUDY REPLIES: Lewis, you bad boy. Masturbating in public can be very dangerous unless you do it right. We suggest not hiding at all and just doing it in the open. Why, yesterday Rey Diaz jerked off on a Metrobus and got a round of applause from all the riders! It was magical and will be included in our next home video release "Diaz Gone Wild" (another Huge DVD!) Rey also has a penchant for Howard Johnsons though he actually likes to masturbate with a hot Toastie and prefers the corn for texture. Tastewise, I think we're more blueberry men. Maybe it's because every time we taste corn, we think of the taste of Rey's cock. There's a time and a place for everything, but we haven't found that special time or place for tasting Rey's cock. However, we have a team of shapely coeds from the I Aeta Pie sorority who have been tasting Rey for weeks. This will be featured in part 2 of "Diaz Gone Wild" subtitled "Corndoggin', Hialeah Style!" We hope you'll pick it up, pick up some tips, and then wash your hands, belly and part of your chest. It's that good! PS- kudos on the term "Mustardbate"! Even better than "Man-o-naise" but not as good as "Guy Gravy" or "Man Milk"!

Nov 11: Dear RUDY: I have a romantic question for you. I have a deep crush on a girl but I don't know if she's interested. Since I too am female, I don't want to scare her off, but I need a good way to find out if she swings my way. Do you have any advice for this lovelorn lesbian?~ SIGNED: Sylvia Shwing

RUDY REPLIES: Sylvia, we can sympathize with your plight; who hasn't had an unrequited crush at some point or another? But you need a surefire way to tell if she's interested, and our boy Rey Diaz had an idea. Basically, lick her pooter like a custard pie; if she stops you, she's not interested! Thanks to Rey, we have no problems dating, though he takes all the girls anyway, leaving us with seconds so sloppy you could serve it in a pail. Good lick- I mean luck! Good luck! Yea, that's it....

Dec 31: Dear RUDY: I have a few guys over here in Louisiana who want to take a road trip for spring break, April 9-18. I was wondering if you may have any shows going on during that time. I am on the mailing list so if you happen to book some stuff I would appreciate it if you would let me know. Thanks and keep jamming.~ SIGNED: Tattoo

RUDY REPLIES: Tattoo, you fabulous fellow- we love to hear that we're wanted (and not just by the local authorites over Rey's parking lot fiasco). Knowing that you guys want to take time out of your busy schedule just to party with Rudy gives us all the incentive we need to book some shows around that time. Of course, only the finest ladies flock to our concerts, so you may be in over your head in a pornographic playground of voluptous vagina-owners. Your social scene in Louisiana may not have prepared you for the fantastic funk and pure debauchery of a live Rudy show- unless of course you've ever drank a few Hurricane's in the French Quarter and wound up lapdancing a midget with huge tits. Named Bruce. In any case, relax fellas- we got you covered. When Rudy is in the house, you can be sure that we'll be working the ladies into a frothing pile of orgasmic ovulation that may soak you in joy juice (or man gravy, which may or may not be your own, depending on if you're standing next to Rey!) Glad you're on the mailing list, though we encourage you to visit our website here and hang out now and then. We have some fresh mp3's up on the MUSIC page, so dig in and jive your jiggy ass on some RUDY! We'll let you know about the Spring plans....

Oct 22: Dear RUDY: I know this may sound strange, but I have a pickle fetish. Everytime my boyfriend whips his thing out, I can't help thinking of a big, juicy pickle and it's making me a little crazy. That wouldn't be so bad if I didn't get busted last night in the kitchen sucking on a huge Vlassic kosher dill and moaning. I passed it off as the munchies, but I fear my pickle fetish might be getting out of hand. You guys are my last hope- what should I do?~ SIGNED: Polly in a pickle

RUDY REPLIES: Well, our little pickle-sucking friend, we here at Rudy Inc feel for you, and hope you are emotionally able to cope with your devastating illness. NOT! Get over it, picklegirl, and get on the pickle train! Our advice is to turn this pickle "fetish" into a "profession"- put an ad in the sex trades "Wanted: men who like to have their pickles sucked" and see how fast your social life picks up! We suggest installing a revolving door at your house and possible getting a job at Burger King so you can- ahem- "Hold the pickles..." There's no shame in what you're feeling, but there is money, so get on it! And if we could make a suggestion, besides pickle-sucking, you can offer "jerkin the gherkin" as part of your randy repertoire. Our lothario Rey "Kosher" Diaz is willing to be a test subject, which is perfect because of his uncanny resemblance to a medium-sized pickle (at least in shape and taste, not color). Thanks for writing in- good luck and stay away from the garlic dills...

Aug 9: Dear RUDY: I am so excited to see you are coming back to play in my homestate of Florida next month, and I was wondering what you think of it here?~ SIGNED: Fat Fanny Annie

RUDY REPLIES: Fanny, our fat fannied fan, we'd like to thank you for your enthusiasm, and are glad you are bringing all that booty for us to attend to. You know ass is our specialty, and we're more than happy to shake the shit out of your ass. So to speak. As to Florida, well you might know that all of the members of Rudy originally hail from Florida, making Rudy kind of a local band on the scene. Singer Robbie moved to Los Angeles a few years back, and bass player Johnny is lost in the Pacific Northwest somewhere (we left a trail of cigarettes- hurry home, Johnny boy). Until he finds his way back, to quote Mickey Thomas, our old pal Jason Rosner will be sliding his fantastic fingers across the big booty basslines. Rudy occasionaly revisits the Florida area, which we call "our old stomping grounds" after an incident involving steel toed boots and Rey's toes, and we love it there. It's geographical shape just makes us proud- if Florida is the penis of the United States, then we are the most well hung continent on the planet. Pretty good claim, says Diaz, who muscles in at a smashing numero 6 in the "Well Hung Men of Hialeah and the Ladies that Love Them" competition, held every Wednesday at Cafe Culonono in Little Havava. But seriously- what's not to like about sweating all the time?

June 4: Dear RUDY: I'm a guitar player, and I love to jam to your music. I play your records and I rock along, hoping one day you might let me sit in, as you have no official guitar player. If I practice a lot and really learn your songs, do you think I could jam with you guys? Hopin' so! ~ SIGNED: "Jammin" John Jermaggio

RUDY REPLIES: Well, "Jammin" John, that letter you wrote is awful sweet, and we deeply appreciate your enthusiasm. However, you would have to wrestle Famous Frank for the jam slot, as he is our unofficial sugar daddy when it comes to sitting in on guitar. And if you do wrestle Frank, we can already predict the outcome: the only "hot licks" you'll be administering is to Frank's capacious and sexy scrotum sack. Keep jamming along to the CD's tho, and rock out with your cock out. It's only a matter of time before your own musical explosion takes flight and your G string vibrates with pleasure! Just go easy on the whammy bar, triple J.

May 23: Dear RUDY: My name is Rudy, so you can imagine I am a big fan of your band! When my friends turned me on to your music, I was thrilled to know that there is a band out there that is not afraid to stand up for the Rudys of the world, and for that, I thank you. I used to get beat up a lot in school because of my name, and once I got a wedgie so hard my scrotum turned purple- all because my name is Rudy. So here it is almost 10 years later, and I'm going to go to my high school reunion soon. My question is this: how do I handle the people who used to bully me? When I see them at the reunion, I want to make sure they know they can't fuck with Rudy no more. I know you guys must have some suggestions, so let me have em.~ SIGNED: Rudy Lichter

RUDY REPLIES: Rudy Lichter, eh? Hope he fucked her too! haha Sorry- we couldn't resist. Anyone named Rudy is a friend of ours, no matter what, and we want to look out for your well-being. On the subject of bullies in high school, let us give you a little psychological profile. Many kids who bully other kids are actually harboring deep latent homosexual desires, and instead of acting on them, they angrily lash outwards- usually at the people who turn them on the most. We here at Rudy Inc do not discriminate against anyone for their sexual orientation, and on surveys under 'sexual preference' we often just put "YES!". It's a shame that some people in our society still harbor prejudices against gays and lesbians, and we hope for a day when no one is persecuted for their personal beliefs. However, some young folks feel shame or guilt for feeling the way they do, and instead of accepting and dealing with their feelings, they are angry and confused, which they often project outwards in a violent way. So, Rudy, think of it this way: the bully who gave you the purple-pouch wedgie was probably fighting his urge to pull down your underpants and lick your manhood to climax. The problem is not yours, but unfortunately, you got caught up in the symptoms. It happens. So at your high school reunion, dress sharp, walk tall, and feel good about yourself. And when you see any one of those bullies, do the right thing. Wait til you see them bending over the punchbowl and dump a plate full of hot macaroni salad down their pants. Then when they turn around, kick em hard in the nuts. What did you think, we'd tell you to hug and forgive? Wear your steel toe shoes, Rudy, and give em hell for all the other Rudy's out there! We've been persecuted long enough!! Kick those bullies asses and tell 'em RUDY DON'T TAKE NO CRAP!!!!

April 21: Dear RUDY: Hey guys! I finally got to see you live at Suwannee Bound, and I have to say, it was really fun! You guys rock the booty like no one else, and I know that everyone in the campground was grooved and moved accordingly. Seeing as how you guys played on 4/20, I was wondering what your thoughts are on what that day represents to marijuana smokers. Just curious~ SIGNED: Big Daddy Fattie

RUDY REPLIES: Yo Big Daddy~ glad you came to Live Oak, and that we were able to spread the love! We really had a great time too, and are glad we contributed to the good vibes and delicious ambiance. As to 4/20, well you know we at Rudy Inc support that day as a national holiday, and celebrating with thousands of people is a great way to party. We do take time to remind people that marijuana prohibition in this country causes many more problems than the drug itself, and we can only hope that national drug laws will more reflect medical science rather than propaganda and persecution. To our hundreds of thousands of brothers and sisters in prison for simple possession offenses, we have a duty to fight for their rights as well as our own. Check out the MARIJUANA POLICY PROJECT and get educated. See what you can do to make a difference where you live, and let's all work together to set things straight. Prohibition didn't work for alcohol, and it is not working for marijuana. Spread truth, love and compassion- and fire up a fat one for Rudy!

March 22: Dear RUDY: Well, I finally got help for my crush on Rey "Conga" Diaz, but every once in a while, I get a strange craving for flan. Is that normal? SIGNED: Scott

RUDY REPLIES: Scott, we know how you feel. What man, woman or goat can resist the charms of Mr. Diaz? His freelance gynocology skills are unsurpassed, and his dedo gigante es el mejor en Hialeah. Plus, his natural body musk is like a fine urban melange of cuban coffee, sweet plantains, and a hint of papaya, to say the least. When you feel the urge for flan, conjure up Rey's nude visage in your head and strap a spoon on yourself, because there is no turning back. Do not try to resist it. Do not fight it. Now, if Rey only had a sister...

Oct 18: Dear RUDY: I just saw you guys on the Disco Biscuits tour, and I was blown away! Actually, I was also blown, and the young lady who granted me this wonderful favor disappeared before I could thank her. Do you have any way I could find out who she was? It was in Gainesville, and she was kinda heavyset, had a Cuban accent, and a shaved head. Funny, she kinda looked like your conga player Rey, though I could have sworn his tits weren't as big. Anyhow, any help would be appreciated. Thank you guys for spreading the jams and getting me the best action of my life! SIGNED: Greggy "Mucho" Manteca

RUDY REPLIES: Well, Mr. Mucho, first of all, we want to thank you for your kind words, and for coming out to rock on the Bisco-Booty Blast tour. And on top of that, we're glad that our groovy bootyrock helped you in your carnal endeavors. That being said, you've helped us solve a mystery that has haunted us since last week. It seems that the morning after Gainesville, Rey woke up with quite a jawache, as well as a sore throat and minor whiplash. He had downed quite a lot of Jack Daniels the night before, and didn't remember much. Now, we know what you're thinking: oh shit, I got a blowjob from Rey Diaz! That in itself would be a feat, as Rey prefers the softer, gentler touch of the ladies, and claims he has never "taken one for the team," if you know what I mean. However, when people drink a lot, their judgement goes out the window, and they sometimes wind up doing things they wouldn't normally do. This is not the case here, however, and we'd like to calm your fears. It seems that long ago, some secret superpowers found out about the musical talents of Rey Diaz, and had him cloned. However, they made the clone a female so as not to be confused with the machismo of the original Rey. That clone has been stalking Rey recently, and to make a long story short, you got a blowjob from a female clone of Rey "Conga" Diaz! I know that sounds kind of absurd, but it's the best we could come up with on short notice. So congratulations~ you have received oral pleasure from the ugliest woman in Florida. May we suggest you take consolation in the fact that you got more action than Rey that night, and quite possibly contracted a bad case of cooties. Keep up the grooving and grinding, and next time, invest a little more time in getting to know the one you blow. Or vice versa. We still can't explain Rey's jawache and sore throat though....

Aug 30: Dear RUDY: Ever since I heard your "Underpants Song" I have worn Tighty Whities, mostly under my chlothes. I've always heard that you're not supposed to wear white after Labor Day, and I'm wondering if this applies to my Tighty Whities? If so, what other color is appropriate? And can I still call them Tighty Whities, or must I use a different name based on the color? Thanks for your help- you guys rule!.SIGNED: Ivan Ipple

RUDY REPLIES: Ivan, we're glad you wrote, and we are happy to be of service to the proud Underpants Union with our expertise. We know that whites are Summery and light, and that Wintery is more brownish and cool. After Labor Day, you can wear a wide assortment of non-Tighty Wighty wear. For instance, you can wear longjohns, wool boxers, cardboard shorts, adult diapers, a leotard, pantyhose, and a homeknit penis cozy made with multi-colored yarn. All at the same time if you want. However, if you want to stick to the classic Fruit of the Loin style, but choose a different color, it's up to you. Our testpants pilot Rey Diaz reported that after a certain length of time without changing your underpants, they begin to change colors on you, often to a more naturally Wintery feel. Rey reported an Autumn-like collage of yellows, browns and oranges with a musky hint of pine cones, but we can't say if that's normal, or just Rey's superculo. In any case, once you've strayed from crisp whites, the "Tighty Wighty" moniker just won't do. However, the rhyme scheme holds, so your adjective must match the color as well as the characteristic you describe (i.e."tighty" wighties cannot be loose-fitting) For example, you could wear "Hangdown Browns" or "Two-Jack Blacks", or even a pair of "Purple Plumpunchers". Hell, get crazy and try on those "Ride Me Reds" or some "Pump Me Pinks" so your significant other can groove on your monkey! But always fly your flag proudly, and keep your Underpants close at hand. The men in Rudy salute you, and say "Spread the Love" to yo mama!

July 3: Dear RUDY: Here it is, the day before Independence Day, and I'm depressed. You see, 3 years ago, I was injured in a fireworks explosion, and I haven't regained use of my genitals ever since. I'm still really horny, but I can't seem to do much about it. So I've resorted to sticking large vegetables in my ass. Here is my question: is it still appropriate to cook with the vegetables after I use them? I have a big dinner party coming up, and figured I'd ask. Awaiting your advice... SIGNED: Kenny Karrotstick

RUDY REPLIES: Kenny, your problem is a complex one. First off, we're sorry to hear about your fireworks accident, and can only imagine what you were doing with them in the first place. Rudy frowns upon exploding ones genitals, but we do understand you are not looking for castigation, but "alternate solutions". We can help. As to sticking large vegetables in your anal canal, we've asked resident expert P. Varone for advice. He suggests not peeling vegetables, and in some cases, leaving the attached branches as a sort of handle, in case they get stuck. He says certain veggies such as eggplants won't hold up to the experience, but that a nicely shaped sweet potato can give you hours of pleasure. Refrain, however, from using a Mr. Potatohead, as the eyes and lips and stuff can get lost up there. Then a week later, you give birth to Mr. Poopyhead, which is not as popular a playtoy, but does look rather keen with glasses and a mustache. In any case, you might want to think twice about serving up your used veggies to a crowd, unless you've got a saucy recipe that will mask the sometimes ripe hint of ass that your activities surely infuse the vegetables with. We suggest a brown sauce, or something with lots of corn in it. Do us all a favor tho- remove the cob before serving! According to Martha, you should be able to do this with your sphincter muscles...

March 5: Dear RUDY: I am a lonely guy who has never had a successful date, if you know what I mean. I have resorted to a constant routine of masturbation, mostly to underwear catalogs and my neighbor's wife, a fine 72 year old vixen that never quite shuts the curtains when she changes. I know you guys are all about the booty, and I was hoping you could give me some pointers so that I could improve my chances of having sex with someone other than myself. Any advice? SIGNED: Seymour Bushitis

RUDY REPLIES: Well, Seymour, dear friend and member of the tribe of infinite maleness, we can help. It seems we keep getting reports that our new album "SEXY" is actually working as a musical aphrodesiac, and that women can't seem to resist disrobing and "shaking their groove thing" upon hearing the delicious love vibes of RUDY! So what we recommend is this: get yourself some slick duds, a bottle of fine wine, the Kama Sutra, and a copy of SEXY. Then, since you seem to like the older ladies, head down to the nearest nursing home dressed to the nines and drop SEXY on the stereo. Just watch out for swingin' tits! Of course, this works on younger women too, though you may get a less-experienced partner for your initiation into the act of love-making. They also say the riper the berry, the sweeter the juice; however, if the berry is too old, you may need to provide your own juice. We recommend Astroglide or warm butter. In the meantime, stop peeking into other people's houses, and get ready to party to the orgasmic grooves of RUDY! Let us know how you do...

Feb 3: Dear RUDY: I want to have sex with someone very badly, but I don't know how to tell them! What do you recommend? SIGNED: Janice Jailbait

RUDY REPLIES: Janice, Janice, Janice. It's ok. You can say it. You want to sleep with RUDY, and who doesn't? Why, the four members of RUDY can give you the ultimate thrill ride, and we ain't talkin' Space Mountain (though Rey does have that tattoed on his ass). However, we think your negative attitude will not lead you to the pleasure you so rightly deserve. Don't aspire to have sex BADLY- do it well, and do it right! And if you feel you need to learn some things, well then you've come to the right place. After making love with RUDY, you will have learned the ways of love (as well as directions to Cafe Versailles in Little Havana). We hope you come to your senses, and- in the words of Dr. Frankenfurter- "give yourself over to absolute pleasure"! We love you, and promise to respect you in the morning. If you can walk.

JAN 13: Dear RUDY: I get very turned on by food products, especially creamy ones, and sometimes I get a little carried away. How do I get peanut butter out of a vacuum cleaner hose? SIGNED: John Jergenoff

RUDY REPLIES: well John, first off, a vacuum cleaner suckjob will take the skin off your frank faster than a herd of cows in a pool full of pirahnas. We don't recommend peanut butter as a lube, tho it can be a delicious accoutrement to your social activities. Our advice is to lay off the appliance screwing and find yourself a real lady. We don't want you to wind up in the emergency room with 2 surgeons and an Electrolux repairman. Rey did want to ask, tho: smooth or crunchy?

DEC 26: Dear RUDY: I have a big problem. Yesterday was Christmas, and we all went downstairs to open our gifts, which had been sitting wrapped under the tree for a week. My little brother opened the present I had given him, but the dog inside had died, and it really stank. We buried the dog out by the swingset, and said a little prayer. My question is: how do I get the smell out of the carpet?SIGNED: Johnny Salami

RUDY REPLIES: Johnny, you sad sack of poopie. Whatever were you thinking? Burying a perfectly good dog! Martha Stewart has a great recipe in her Rural Vietnamese cookbook using only a turnip and a box of hamburger helper. Sounds like you missed a feast! Next time, be more careful, and either keep the pet alive, or eat it while it's fresh. Never a good idea to flush them, either. Clogs the toilet. As to the carpet, screw it. Let your mom worry about that crap~ go out and run with scissors in the yard for a change! And make sure to always floss.

DEC 3: Dear RUDY: There are many things I don't understand about the universe, and I often find myself contemplating the complete meaninglessness of everything and everybody, and then I eat a lot of Froot Loops and play Video Hockey. Is there something wrong with my dog? SIGNED: Elmore P. Fitzcockin

RUDY REPLIES: well Fitzcockin, something tells me you've been rocking the bong to some old school navel-gazing music, and we know that is a rite of passage for the average college student. You, however, are 47 years old, and need to put down the Froot Loops and check your underwear. If you have been sitting in it on the couch for more than 3 days, you might want to check into the Hotel Getyourshittogether and go hi-stick it where the sun don't shine (and I ain't talkin' the artic circle). Regarding your dog, he needs to be neutered and bathed. It's about time. Good luck to you, Elmore. And by the way- we slept with your mom!

Below is a repost of one of our favorite past columns. It's from a little contest we had called "RUDY IS", where our fans would send in various things that made them think of RUDY. We have only reprinted the ones that are fit to read, as some of them did not age well with time. If you would like to submit a RUDY IS, feel free to do so HERE. Just remember, that RUDY may be dirty-minded, but we're not profane. As was so quoted in Spinal Tap, there is a fine line between clever and stupid. We'll figure out what side you're on.